GlitchSlapTko

Now we come to an interesting crux! Nick's post the other day on the blind gaijin and the Japanese elephant (or was it a few near-sighted American bulls in the China shop that is Japan? Oh bother...) put me smack-dab in the middle of a whole heap of consternation. Setting aside for a moment the telling minutiae of some recent, fleeting apologetics that Nick has posted on his blog regarding an all to brief foray into some rather sticky issues in Identity Politics brought up by more than one commentator (sorry, but I can't put my finger on that link right now), I'd like to take a some time out and re-think the nature of his list. In case you are in need of a recap of that rather slanted Momusian penning, here is the list of names of the guilty parties (ringleader included) and their alleged various 'takes' on that mysterious pachyderm of a country that we all (think) we know and love.

1. Alex 'Japan is very like a wall' Kerr
2. David 'Japan is very like a spear' Marx
3. Nick 'Japan is very like a fan' Currie
4. Robert 'Japan is very like yo' mama' 'Duckworth

Anyway, it doesn't take an oracle to peep some of the sinister (the choice of this word is natural, since I'm implicated) commonalities present. Heck, we might even want to go out on a limb and call it a kind a seemingly innocuous - at first glance - algorithm that is insidiously weighted to yield a kind of subtle litany of self-effacing members...but of course if we did that we'd just be adding insult to injury, right?

Nevertheless, the following cross-characteristics are to be found standing out in relief:



1. All the guys he cites are American or European. The resultant 'Pangeal' mental pileup is just a little to homogeneous for my palate AND my palette. Couldn’t we get some other, gee...I dunno, CONTINENTS involved? Furthermore, why couldn't Nick cite more than three names? And why does MY name have to be on the list? I don’t want to bring the blogging average for ‘team gaijin' any further down than I already have!



2. All the guys he cites are Caucasian. Does that mean the beast we are feeling up is a white elephant [NOTE: To all the Japanese kids out there who are NOT reading this, this word has the meaning of 有難迷惑...har, har!] too, since it was after all made in our own graven image?



3. All the guys he cites (excepting St. Nick) have the same linguistic profile. In other words, they are from semi to totally fluent in Japanese, with English as their native language. Of course it goes without saying that The Blind Inquisition MUST be conducted in the Queen's English. (Shit, I guess I'm already out of the running, then!) Here we can understand that free inquiry conducted by the non-sighted isn't only not color-blind, but linguistically it seems attenuated to certain tongues as well. Enchanting, but are the semi, bi, and fully J/[insert other language here]-linguals going to stand for having a guy who thinks that 「パンチラ」 is a 上級 level vocabulary word give THEM a lecture on the various possible perspectives on Japan? (It appears some of them in fact WILL.) At least be self-aware enough to issue a disclaimer! (And YES, all of you should already know my deepest thoughts on the Momusian tendancy for premeditated NON-learning of the Japanese language.)



4. All the guys he cites are, well...GUYS! OK class, raise your hand if you DIDN'T you know that ‘gaijin’ = 'sans-pussy'. Now be honest, kids! (Am I the only one with my hand up?)



Of course, there is actually a vagina somewhere way, way down there in the mix, that is IF we consider that Professor Joy 'Japan is very like a chauvinist pig' Hendry's thick tome is enjoying the pillowy comfort of Nick’s bed and the cool cerebralness of his closely-cropped head. Too bad her name doesn’t actually appear anywhere on Clique Opera. If it did, then at least the 'lip service' card would be playable in Nick's defence w/o cracking up. Yeah, we have to kind google around a little for her stuff, but it is there. Incidentally, and of course, this is nothing against Joy ('sup girl!), I'm sure the is like totally THE nicest Prof. on the block and all, but it seems like the academic orifice in question is yet again a native English speaking AND Caucasian one (oh, if only まんこ could talk...)!

[NEEDLE SKIPS]



How many clubs and organisations do I have to join? How many political parties campaigning on single issues can I vote for? What does 'identity' mean if I can switch roles and alliances so quickly? The closer I get to a single-issue, identity-based group, the more I feel I'm neglecting all the other identities within myself. - Momus recently on CO

I guess it really IS a small world after all! I don't wont you to overexert yourself and get a hernia or something, but it looks like at this point, the answer is that you've got quite a few more clubs to join until your list becomes anything more than specious. Anyway, I could go on and on, but why bother? I think everyone out there has gotten the point by now. Allow me to summarize with the following, HIGHLY instructive picture:



So then to totally mutilate (and thus give my hightest respect to) a hackneyed phrase: If the 「はなメガネ外人さん」 PARTY & JOKE shades fit, why not wear them, right? I'm sure you'll be the life of the 忘年会. (What's up? Whoop!!) Me? Oh, I'll take a pass.



OK, I'm going to switch gears for a second here. Now I'm sure that some folks will say that I'm just playing at semantics (and in a sense I AM), but I thought why NOT check the definition of 'gaijin' (that four letter word that it is) that seems to be in play over at Clique Opera against the actual definition given in the 広辞苑, silly book that IT is! Her's what my Japanese dictionary had to say:

1. 仲間以外の人。疎遠な人。
2. 敵すべき人。
3. 外国人。異人。

OK, now the rest of you can just whip up an Excite web trans here (or just whip out your Japanese flatmates, whichever one is handier). It takes almost no time to triangulate that Nick is placing most of, if not all of the emphasis on the third definition (3. 外国人。異人) , or at least that seems to be what he has in mind. Or it this just all in his subconsciousness? Call me an Inclusionist (I've been called worse before, so sticks and stones...), but I prefer to ALSO use the first and the second definitions (1. 仲間以外の人。疎遠な人。2. 敵すべき人。) along with the third, thus resulting in a more synthetic, all-embracing 'gaijin'. Oh, heck, why not call it the 'ÜberGaijin' just for fun. Why the Frankensteinian linguistics?



Why indeed. While I admit that throwing the third definition [those who should be made our enemies] out there to be used allows for some developments which send shivers up my spine, I'm still willing to take the good with the bad so that I can focus instead on the major semantic shift engendered by an inclusion of the second definition [those outside of our circle. those who are 'estranged' or are 'outsiders']. And why, pray tell, would I do that? Well a funny thing happens on the way to meaning, since this catapults 'gaijin' out into a stratospheric, non-decaying, parallel semantical orbit somewhere near the French idea of "L'Etranger" (yes, just like in the title of that silly book by you know who).

Going by its recent usage on CO, the term was in grave danger burning up durning an impending earthfall far below the zenith of its possible meaning(s). What a waste that would have been! But now, a kind of silly psychological internalism a-hoy has rescued it from such a fate. Three cheers! Formerly suffering from being a little too one-sided, with this more inclusive definition, the list of 'Who CAN BE Who' in the 'gaijin' universe becomes manifold since it taps into all of that 'potential gaijin' energy that's been storing up for decades now. Of course the 'kinetic gaijin' energy over which much fuss is being made about on CO is still there if we wish to exploit it, but with the way the Japanese posture on its population crisis is changing mentalities, this will probably wind up becoming something akin to a non-renewable resource! Again, the potential energy is lovely! In fact, now people (of whatever nationally and ethnicity) who are even BORN in Japan suddenly become eligible...but alas and alack, this probably takes 'gaijin' out of the effective range of the Momusian radar. So be it with all such heavenly bodies of siderreal thought.

Coming back down to earth for a second, I guess that would make, say...even 2nd generation Koreans born in Japan - who had gotton nixed until now - able to be included in that previously hermetically sealed elite 'gaijin' list. I wonder what THEIR POV would be. Hey, in fact, I wonder how a normal conversation between Nick and one of these 'gaijin' (based on our newly expanded definition) might go...

[CUE SWIRLY MUSIC]
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[Naturally the following exchange is based on absolute fact!]


Byung-jik (a twentysomething, 2nd Gen. Japanese-Korean male, born in Japan, currently employed at Matsuya in 新大久保, who is meeting Momus for the first time outside after a show in Shimokita...and speaking in a broken English accent that I've taken the liberty of cleaning up a little here): Hi there, Momus! My name's Byong-Jik, and I'm a big fan of yours!


Momus (in a charming Scottish accent): Nice to meet you! Thanks for coming to the show.

Byung-jik: Err...Well, I was kind of checking it out from the Doutor across the street, but it sounded pretty good! Anyway, I've been following your blog recently...

Momus: Oh really?

Byung-jik: Yeah, its pretty cool. Lots of good info!

Momus: An essay a day!

Byung-jik: Yeah! Anyway, I was wondering...what with all you write on your blog and everything about Japan...well, I was just kinda wondering what you thought about the plight of us Japan-born K-kids who have parents of Korean ethnicity.

Momus (becoming somewhat distracted at this point): ...and by that you mean?

Byung-jik: Well, you know...the whole full-citizenship thing is kind of up in the air here and stuff...we are also being LABLED as non-Japanese society.

Momus (not wanting to get bogged down in the suddenly icky vicissitudes of this individual): ...look, I've got this great new theory about Japanese social harmony - you know I'm down with that whole「和」 thing - that addresses all of this! Perhaps you had a chance to catch some of that in debate over at David's webpage?

Byung-jik: I had a little trouble keeping up, but I was trying...But anyway, I heard over in America, all it takes to be American is just to be BORN there...

Momus: Well at least you haven't suffered the displeasure of such a fate like others I know!

Byung-jik: Huh? And oh YEAH, and we're also having trouble getting decent jobs and getting married to Japanese and stuff like that cuz sometimes their parents don't stand for it...and sometimes we are even kind of forced to change our names to Japanese sounding ones before we go out into the job market in order to better 'fit in' and...

Momus (trying his best to sprinkle some Calpis-colored, fairy dust on the situation): Oh, tut-tut! You've nothing to worry about, Byong-Jik! Cuz haven’t you heard??? There are a lot of HIP NEW Japanese-Korean FASION COLLABORATIONS out these days!!! Take it from an old trend hound, this stuff is simply fabbo!!! (Leans over for a press shot while petting some chick's poodle.)

Byung-jik: Ummm…Oh, yeah. You mean the whole 韓流 thing, right? Well that stuff really isn't trickling-down to the K-folks already born here, or if it is, it is just in the art world or whatever...I mean, yeah, my mom sells some　冬のソナタ goods over at her part-time job at the SUNKUS, but honestly, all my homeboys down in 新大久保 think that ヨン様 is a total wuss anyway! I mean, who SMILES like that anyway? What cheese!

Momus (thinking the poor boy must not have heard him clearly): But I'm talking REALLY HIP COLLABORATIONS here!

Byung-jik: Yeah, I remember reading on your blog somewhere recently that you got really excited about some vegetable clothes or something.

Momus (FINALLY getting through?): Right!

Byung-jik: Yeah, OK, that’s pretty cool and all, but I would still kind of like to be a full-fledged Japanese citizen. And oh yeah, there was that whole 苛め thing that I had to deal with back in high school...that is until my parents pulled me out of my regular high school and put me into a special high school for Koreans...but it turned out that place wasn't recognized by the Japanese Board of Education, so getting into college was kind of tough, and...say, could you spare a few lines on your blog for this kind of thing one day?

Momus: Did I mention the endless fun to be had at the cafes in 代官山?

Byung-jik: ...ummm, I gotta go now thanks anyway!
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Well anyway, Bung-jik is on MY list (hi there Brad!!!). But why stop there? I mean, as long as we are talking previously inaccessible examples of 'gaijin', why not throw in Camus himself...No, I don’t mean dear Albert, I mean his distant relative, THANE.


But wait a second Robert, didn't you just get done saying that the whole 'white gaijin' this was like, so NOT the summum bonum of all that being a hardcore 'inner gaijin' was about? Well, yeah. Glad you've been paying attention. But hear me out on this one, OK? Of course, most folks in Japan already know this, but for everyone who isn’t here, this chap is a thirty-something DISTANT relative of the one and only Albert Camus. Thane has spent most of his life here in Japan. From what I've heard of it, his Japanese is probably just as natural as his English, and he makes his living by being a 「外タレ」 which kind of means ‘foreign talent'...but in his case what exactly DOES this mean? He's only a 'gaijin' on the outside, right? Thanks to a wonderfully fucked-up, delectably complex mentality (why not imagine running OSX in Japanese on a Mac with an English keyboard just for kicks), we are left with with a categorical daydream. If THIS isn't a 'gaijin' I don't know WHAT is. What you see isn’t what you get, and that's why I always get a kick on hearing his views on Japan. Thane is on MY list.



So while I'm at it I wanna hear about how 'gaijinesque' Japanese themselves feel in relationship to their own country! For that I think I would have to enlist the help of the O.G. ‘gaijin’of WWII/post WWII Japanese Lit, that's right kids, none other than Mishima (pictured above, but not to be confused with St. Sebastian or others, OK?). Flaming with a 'cover' hetero marriage, from wimps & pussies to buff and mean, someone who was REALLY down with 「和」 the the worst way, but also a militant -- yep, a good old fashioned 文武両道-boy -- and of course, as far as literary tastes go, a real beauty of an anachronism. I think he scared the shit out of most Japanese when he was alive. Either that, or they just tried to look the other way. Now if i could only get Roddy 'Japan is very much like home' Schrock (peace be upon him) over here before New Years, get him all silly on that absinthe, have him get jiggy to that new album by Soft Pink Truth, and then before he knew what hit him -- wham, bam -- pop his bippy into a tight, white, （tight-white, tight-heat!) 褌, and give channeling ol Yukio a go, just to hear his take on my idea! That's cuz (you guessed it), Mishima and Roddy (peace be upon them) are BOTH on my 'X-mas gaijin' list!



Well can I get a witness? Can I hear somebody scream?!? What about Terre 'Japan is very much like a LOVEBOMB' Thaemlitz, who is currently in like, Kanagawa or somewhere doing something most other folks aren't capable of imagining??? That statuesque blip far above the data curve of humanity will no doubt fudge up your garden-variety definitions of 'gaijin' and therefore will be appearing (wait for it) ON MY LIST!!!



But getting back to that pesky Robert 'Japan is very like yo' mama' 'Duckworth guy...I mean, not too long ago, someone even had the gall to say that he was a "...Tokyo friend blogging intelligently...whose GlitchSlapTko may be less lavishly visual than Jean's page, but makes up for it in erudition and the insider perspective [his] command of Japanese gives him.” Oh, that must have been before he lost his blogging marbles. Yesterday's news! Out with the old and in with the...but hang on just one second! All of this 'neo-gaijin' list mania begs the question: is Robert's name to be found on his own list? ("Wow, now that IS kind of trippy!" to quote BigMas) Well, I'm sure if he were asked (he may never be asked and so he must write these lines in seclusion), he would probably say that his 'gaijinhood' is a kind of pliable, semi-opaque, chartreuse (any other silly color would do just as fine) badge of courage that he pins from time to time somewhere on the 'otherness' of his outside. That it is merely indicative of the unique, and meaninful 'otherness' that he feels somewhere deep down on the inside will forever make him uncomfortable occupying a position on any other person's list that fails to recoginze this most simple of facts.

[DANGEROUSLY APPROACHING PLANET MORRISSEY. ABORT! ABORT!]